When the last episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” ended, bad things were about to happen. Kelly Dodd had just compared Emily Simpson’s husband Shane to a small lady dog, and Emily, in turn, threatened to kill Kelly, presumably not with kindness.
But when the next episode arrived on Bravo on Monday, Sept. 17? Oh lordy, I think I need a dirty martini with an NC-17 amount of dirt in it to say these things out loud. Worse than getting naked, drunk and bone-broken in Mexico. Worse than what the jolly energy doctor did to Vicki Gunvalson’s backside.
Tamra Judge … this is so hard to say … missed. all. the drama. That’s right, while Kelly and Emily were about to throw down on Tamra’s patio she was inside completely unaware, and if you’re a real housewife you do NOT want to miss it when stuff gets real.
“I go upstairs for literally five minutes and I come downstairs and all hell has broken lose!” Tamra says cursing the rotten luck that has left her with but a million-dollar manse and a lucrative TV career for doing more or less nothing that she wouldn’t do for free anyway.
Now, I’m not saying that reality TV is scripted, cough, cough, but if it was this is what happened next:
Emily: “She came over and called my husband a (lady dog)!”
Tamra: Gasps like she’s just been told her credit card got declined — yeah, that bad.
Emily: “It’s not OK!”
Three minutes later, Tamra is now frantically panting around her patio like a Pomeranian with her busted paw in a boot — silly puppy, don’t drink so much tequila next time! — until she finds Kelly to get the dirt from the other aggrieved party.
Tamra: “I left her for two seconds!” (Somehow she’s lost 298 seconds off her earlier estimate.)
Kelly: “She told me she was going to kill me.”
Tamra: “She didn’t!”
Meanwhile, Shane, who presumably have his lips drawn back, his teeth bared in a snarl, about to sink those canines into Kelly’s bottom, still doesn’t understand what kind of show he’s on.
“I don’t care,” he tells Emily about Kelly’s insults. “If I don’t care why do you care?
“She’s just irritating. That’s her M.O. She likes to drink and then she goes and gets mad a people.”
Oh, Shane, so sensible, and so unrealistic for the demands of reality TV where every slight is contractually required to be elevated to DEFCON 1 lest viewers change the channel to “Antiques Roadshow.”
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Shane disappears for most of the rest of the show, presumably put in time out by the producers before he can damage the “Real Housewives” brand any further, while Kelly’s implants — in her brain, so the producers can remote control her, what were you thinking? — are kicked into stuff-stirrer mode.
Shane vanquished, Kelly turns her trash-talking laser beam on Steve Lodge, the reluctant boyfriend of Vicki Gunvalson, telling Tamra that she heard that Steve was only with Vicki for her money.
Tamra: Gasps like she just found out she was going to have to make do with a 20,000-square-foot house for the rest of her life, and then asks, “Really?”
Kelly: “Is the Pope Catholic?” (Which with Kelly might actually be a question to which she doesn’t know the answer. Can never be sure with this one.)
Finally, thankfully, Emily and Kelly are released from the Thunderdome and we can go on to other topics. Like Shannon Beador’s first post-divorce blind date, for which she shows up wearing “(make-passionate-love-to-me) heels and a boot,” having followed Tamra down the busted-foot path.
Her blind date is a seemingly nice guy named Tom, which means he’s probably Dirty John-esque, because who else would go on a blind date for the world, and me, to mock?
It’s a fake date, of course, because there are TV cameras all around and when he asks her if she has kids I have to call nonsense on it all. Her entire life has been on TV and he doesn’t know she has three daughters?
Still things are going good. He tells her she’s gorgeous. She appreciates his ability to recognize that truth. He tells her he was recently divorced too — and then he blows it.
“I spent the first year after the divorce crying a lot,” Tom tattles on himself. “You know, like that Sarah McLachlan, like the puppy thing, the one with the dogs or whatever it is?”
Yes, Tom, we know the Sarah McLachlan ad that makes you either want to gas yourself because the world is a bleak wasteland of unloved dogs, or go adopt all of the dogs in all of the shelters. But more to the point, we know from a friend’s romance that while ladies do love Cool J they do not love dudes who talk about their exes all the time.
That, plus the fact that Tom has cats, yeah, he’s a Cat Man, leave her cold at the end of the night.
“Tom is nice but Tom has … many cats,” Shannon concludes. “And litter boxes? And – no! no!”
Another main story line involves housewife Gina Kirschenheiter’s divorce in slow motion. Husband Matt lives in Los Angeles for work and only manages to catch the connecting flights, trains, buses and Ubers necessary to get to south Orange County every two weeks. So they’re in trouble, as she increasingly tells her fellow housewives and eventually her mother Susan back on Long Island.
That last bit has some real emotion in it. Gina starts to cry and she and her mother share real emotions as they talk about what’s going on for the first time. But! But they are doing it on FaceTime on national TV! Why, Gina, why? So your kids can see how mommy and daddy split up when they’re on YouTube years from now? Just don’t.
- > ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’: Tamra talks dirty, Kelly loses her cool, and Emily threatens to ‘kill her’
- > ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’: Shannon feels under attack, Tamra doesn’t care, and what the heck, Kelly does a good deed?
Elsewhere Steve gets Vicki “leathered up,” which sounds a lot worse than it is – Steve gave her the gift of romance for her birthday, motorcycle leathers. And then pulls off a surprise party for her where we learn that Steve’s mother’s name is Helga, and that if Steve doesn’t do right by Vicki – hint, hint, going to the chapel? Gonna get (re)married? – she will “tell your mother.”
We wrap things up with Gina telling all the housewives that she and Matt won’t be getting leathered up or doing anything else together, and they offer various pieces of advice on what she should do next.
“I appreciate your wisdom,” Gina says, which, let’s face it, is the nicest way to tell your friends that they’re two decades and a divorce or two older than you.
Tears: 2 😢😢
Drinks: 15 🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷
Falls: Sigh … zero
Inappropriate behavior: 2 👿👿
Swearing: 20 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Source : https://www.dailybreeze.com/2018/09/18/the-real-housewives-of-orange-county-tamra-comes-down-with-fomo-and-shannon-goes-on-a-blind-date-with-a-sensitive-dude-who-loves-cats-and-crying/